Carpe Datum

The Art of the Smackdown

One my more obvious personality flaws is my tendency to overargue. This is why I have been susceptible to trolls in the past. For example, one of the moron trolls who liked to throw around death threats once passed along a list that he inherited from some other know-nothing mouth breather about "liberal myths". I started off by picking off his stupid Clinton-era bullshit in a single post, but noooo, that wasn't enough. I took each one out, examined it, refuted it (or at least pointed out serious flaws) and put together a list of Stupid Conservative Myths of my own (see the sidebar).

Now you would think that by the time I was a few myths into this with a lack of any kind of substantive response from Captain Cocksucker the troll, I would just let it die, point made. Nope, I kept going. I kept baiting the poor bastard, and sure enough, it got him mad enough that he started making stupid threats. I banned him from my blog eventually because I finally found the self-control to realize that life is too short to suffer such immense stupidity. Even recounting the history of it, I'm sure the casual reader will see I'm going too far.

Oh well.

I've had other arguments, too, in newsgroups and in comments on this blog that have gone on about an order of magnitude longer than they should have. It's just that when I'm right, and when I know I'm right and the facts and logic are totally on my side, I just can't help but feel that I need to drive my opponent into the cool, deep embrace of mother Earth. So I just whack and whack and whack, and pretty soon, the other person sees the Dark-Side-of-the-Force madness in my eyes and pretends to save face, gracelessly abandoning the fray.

I assume if you are a regular reader of this blog, you enjoy that sort of thing, much like observing a car wreck as you drive by. I myself am a big fan of the liberal smackdown of the conservative fuckbrain. If you are, too, then by all means catch yourself up on Juan Cole pounding the holy hell out of Lucianne-spawn Jonah Goldberg over who is an idiot when it comes to Iraq. Some choice excerpts to date:

I think it is time to be frank about some things. Jonah Goldberg knows absolutely nothing about Iraq. I wonder if he has even ever read a single book on Iraq, much less written one. He knows no Arabic. He has never lived in an Arab country. He can't read Iraqi newspapers or those of Iraq's neighbors. He knows nothing whatsoever about Shiite Islam, the branch of the religion to which a majority of Iraqis adheres. Why should we pretend that Jonah Goldberg's opinion on the significance and nature of the elections in Iraq last Sunday matters? It does not. [...]

If Jonah Goldberg had asserted that he could fly to Mars in his pyjamas and come back in a single day, it would not have been a more fantastic allegation than the one he made about Iraq being a danger to the United States because of the nuclear issue. He made that allegation over and over again to millions of viewers on national television programs, to viewers who trusted his judgment because CNN and others purveyed him to them.

Jonah Goldberg is a fearmonger, a warmonger, and a demagogue. And besides, he was just plain wrong about one of the more important foreign policy issues to face the United States in the past half-century. It is shameful that he dares show his face in public, much less continuing to pontificate about his profound knowledge of just what Iraq is like and what needs to be done about Iraq and the significance of events in Iraq. [...]

Let me propose to him that we debate Middle East issues, anywhere, any time, he and I. Otherwise he should please shut up and go back to selling Linda Tripp tapes on Ebay. [...]

If you saw an hour-long piece on al-Jazeerah about the reality of the United States, with English subtitles, and the reporter speaking on the U.S. had never been to America, had never read a book about America, did not know a word of English, and moreover said all kinds of things that were complete fantasy and altogether wrong, would that man be someone you would recommend to others as having an important opinion on the matter that millions of people should be exposed to on NPR and CNN every other day?

When questioned by a reader why Jonah didn't participate in the Iraq War he so valiantly endorses from his cushy office, Cole quotes Goldberg and responds:

"As for why my sorry a** isn't in the kill zone, lots of people think this is a searingly pertinent question. No answer I could give -- I'm 35 years old, my family couldn't afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter, my a** is, er, sorry, are a few -- ever seem to suffice."

Goldberg helped send nearly 1500 brave Americans to their deaths and helped maim over 10,000, not to mention all the innocent Iraqi civilians he helped get killed. He helped dragoon 140,000 US troops in Iraq. And he does not have the courage of his convictions. His excuse is that he couldn't afford to take the pay cut!

The reader himself responded, piling on with Juan:

Finally, I really appreciate your frankness in explaining why you are not currently serving in "the kill zone". It is the best and most honest display of chickenhawk hypocrisy I have yet to come across. It confirms my belief that the war in Iraq is little more than a game to you. Its fun to talk about on CNN and maybe debate with someone in "The Corner", but to expect you to put yourself on the line is out of the question. I have just one thing to ask: do you support the immediate dismissal from military duty of all over 35 fathers who request such a dismissal? If so, would you be willing to use your media pulpits to support such a policy? In theory, Professor Cole would have great praise for your so doing. In reality, its just one more time that you will show that you are simply an unprincipled coward.

And then in a recent lengthy summation:

Let us see what has been established. First, I alleged that Goldberg has never read a book about Iraq, about which he keeps fulminating. I expected him at least to lie in response, the way W. did when similarly challenged on his book-reading. I expected Goldberg to say, "That is not true! I have read Phebe Marr's book on modern Iraq from cover to cover and know all about the 1963 failed Baathist coup!" But Goldberg did not respond in this way. I conclude that I was correct, and he has never read a book on this subject.

I am saying I do not understand why CNN or NPR would book someone to talk about Iraq policy who has not read a book on the subject under discussion. Actually, of course, it would be desirable that he had read more than one book. Books are nice. They are rectangular and soft and have information in them. They can even be consumed on airplanes. Goldberg should try one.

That's a smackdown. Not that it matters who is right or wrong to the average Moron American. We liberals take our comfort where we can find it.

Posted by Observer at February 8, 2005 07:26 AM