Carpe Datum

Let's Make It Interesting

Soon after Daniel joined us, the kids were asking M*chelle's mom, El*yne, about things, and the subject came up of what to call me. Since they've been here, they've called me by my first name. Everyone in the house calls me that, and I'm really fine with it. I'm not their biological father, of course, but on the other hand, their real dads are long gone back in Canada.

J*stin's father has seen him once during Justin's entire life, and then he flaked out and moved to who knows where. C*dy and S*rah's father is an abusive monster who is in and out of jail depending upon the bravery of his latest abuse victim/girlfriend. He has zero custody rights, and if we and the kids have our way, they will never cross paths again.

So, the issue about fathers has come up before. I'm a stepdad, but I'm also willing and able to be a real father to these kids, if not biologically. If it would be best for them, I'd be honored, embarrassed for a while, and surely quite humbled if they would actually call me "Dad". But it really has to be their choice if they wish to do it.

Now that I have a biological son who I would very much like to call me "Dad" (if he called me by my real name, all I would be able to think about is Bart calling his dad "Homer" all the time), I imagine the kids might feel a little anxiety being left out of the mix. Despite all the encouragement and all our efforts otherwise, the baby *is* going to be getting most of the attention in this household for the next few years, I am sure. That's just how babies are.

If the baby and M*chelle and me start having our own little relationship outside of the other three kids, I can only imagine how damaging that would be. So we're starting to think it would be best to ease the kids into the inner circle a little better by having them call me "Dad", too. But again, it has to be of their own volition.

They've asked before about this, all three of them separately and sometimes together. We've told them they are free to do what they want, but we haven't expressed a preference. When they asked this time, El*yne expressed a preference. She told them something along the lines that I am a better father than most kids have, that their biological fathers don't really count, etc. and that they should call me "Dad".

So the other night at the supper table, J*stin piped up out of nowhere. He says, "I've been thinking about it, and I'm going to start saying 'Dad'". C*dy said, "Yeah, I think I want to do that, too." S*rah looked pretty embarrassed, but she also chimed in with mild agreement. We told them that would be fine. They are free to do what they like, but I told them that I would really be honored.

It's always awkward at school upon meeting a teacher, for example. The teacher will say, "Oh, you are C*dy's father?" And I'll say, "Well, uh..." and C*dy will say "stepdad" real quick, and he looks embarrassed about it because I guess most of the other kids have real dads around. Or a teacher will ask me, "Oh, is S*rah your daughter?" and I'll say, "Well, uh..." and S*rah will say "stepdaughter" real quick, etc.

Anyway, so I told the kids it goes both ways. If they want to call me "Dad", I will be glad to call them "son" or "daughter" if anyone asks. I told them I would be glad to adopt them legally and make it formal, but what gets in the way is needing the consent of their biological fathers in Canada (one impossible to find, the other impossible to reason with). I told them that when they are older, they can probably make their own choices, but I don't know how old they have to be.

Despite the seeming agreement around the table, it is still very awkward. None of the kids can get into the habit of changing what they call me after two years, and I don't think they want to go out of their way to correct themselves because it feels so awkward. They still call me by my first name. Only once or twice in the few days since that conversation at the supper table has anyone used "Dad". So I have tried a novel solution.

After the halfway point in their punishment (a week ago now), we decided that the boys could have their Yu-Gi-Oh cards back. C*dy had to pay for his original cards because of the stealing earlier, so he used up his birthday money (which we are holding in escrow for both boys until the punishment is up, but I allowed C*dy to spend for this). They are doing well with their chores and such, and they need things to do during their time out. Also, I really do think the time I can spend with them in the evenings gives us a chance to bond one-on-one, and so I have promised each of them I would duel them at least once per day.

The cards that C*dy opened up are now in a box. The kids can buy new cards from these opened expansion packs at a cost of 25 cents per card, if they earn money. For J*stin and C*dy, they would have to earn money outside of the two big chores/assignments they have to do every day, so it will be very tough for them. Still, they are getting good at laundry and dishes, so there are opportunities.

So...the solution. I told the kids that I would make a bet with them, if they chose to accept. With each duel, if they win, they get to pick 4 cards for free at random from the new card box (kids' eyes light up as I explain, but then very quickly, especially for C*dy, the question comes up, "And if I lose...?"). If they lose, they have to make every effort to call me "Dad" for the next 24 hours, and I get to correct them if they don't (provided *I* can remember ... it's such a habit).

So we had our first round of duels this evening after returning from a day visiting both sides of my family. I offered each of them the bet, and they accepted (S*rah was the most reluctant and embarrassed about it, I think, but there was never any question she would accept the bet). As usual, I won all three matches (although C*dy gave me a real battle and could've won if he had played slightly better). Everyone had great fun and even gathered around to watch my match with J*stin, which was a brutal drubbing.

After I beat C*dy, I said, "Good match ... SON." He just blushed and bowed his head and started giggling. I did the same thing for J*stin. S*rah was a little upset because she says she never wins (which is true, against me ... only C*dy has beaten me so far one time; the others usually don't even take anything off my life points at all during the match), but I told her I would help her build a better deck tomorrow. She said, "Ok, Dad-head".

I need to decide soon if I need to throw a match or two, just to keep it amusing for the kids.

Posted by Observer at August 4, 2003 07:33 AM